I am really not happy with myself right now. I keep blogging about getting back on the horse, and I keep falling off. This is nobody’s fault but my own, and I really wish I could say that now is the time and a whole bunch of other inspirational junk. Not today. This also isn’t going to be a soliloquy of self hatred and anger. Right now it is nothing more than my effort to get back into blogging.
My trainer and I were having a great discussion today about how the last two months have been pretty lackluster for me. No real loss of weight, questionable eating habits, and spotty gym attendance outside of sessions. One thing that I did do is give up alcohol, and that has been going really well. Since I started three weeks ago or so I have only indulged once or twice, and that’s a huge improvement. I was drinking one or two drinks five nights a week before that for a few weeks so score one for me.
I went on my second ever date last week. Then we went out two more times before deciding to just be friends. Score another one for me as dating is something that I have never done and am just starting. I finally broke down and started online dating so we will see where that leads. It was very reassuring how important proper diet and exercise were to me when looking for a date. I found out that I just don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t treat themselves the way I would like to treat myself. They can struggle with it like I do, I am not looking for perfect here, but we need to support each others efforts at health and fitness not just accept them.
The big problem now is inspiration. Here I am trying to date, and date women that have a healthy and fit mindset, and I am not living up to my own expectations. I know that it will never be easy, but I am just plain out of inspiration. If anyone can help me out here with some tips it would be greatly appreciated. Life is good right now, and I think I used to feed off of my misery to drive me. Now I am in a job I really enjoy, I hang out with friends now that I have the time, and I just started dating. Misery is not a problem anymore. I still want to lose more weight so that I can be truly healthy, do activities that are more active and be able to keep up/hold my own, and be attractive to the types of women that I find attractive (with that type being a healthy, active, and fit).
That goal just seems so far away though, almost unattainable. For someone that has never been less than morbidly obese, and who has trouble with favoring long term outcomes over short term pleasure it is nothing more than a dream. Now I know that many people have done it, it is possible, but part of me is comfortable just staying below the high blood pressure/diabetes/heart disease danger zone and holding on to hope.
By that I mean that as long as I stay somewhat healthy and control my failure I can still say: “If I had really tried I could have done it, and one day I will.” There is still hope that one day morbid obesity will be nothing more than a memory. If I give it everything I have and still fail then there is no hope anymore. Though controlled failure is still that, failure.
I don’t know how I am going to do it, make the lifestyle change and stick to my guns. To make my friends deal with my dietary needs even if they are inconvenient (I am sure they would, I have great friends), to get out of bed early to go to the gym even if nobody’s there waiting for me, to believe that in the end I will be better for it, and that the long term goal is attainable and worth the sacrifices along the way. I need inspiration to believe in that enough to put it in to practice.
Hopefully something lights a fire inside of me soon otherwise I fear that this journey will have been for nothing. I need to make this work, I need to make it count, I need for this to be the time that Chris Succeeds.